Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Wii Fat and the timebending tub






Freezing Lums,

The weather has taken a turn for the worse, which means I am confined to barracks for another day. Even the dog wont go out in it. Normally in the morning she's jumping up at the door handle, scrabbling about at the door mat just bursting to get out there and chase whatever wildlife there might be out of the garden, the odd pigeon mainly, but a pheasant has been spotted on occasion and it had better watch itself. But the ultimate prize is a squirrel, if she ever gets one of those it will be carnage. She came nose to nose as a pup with a little young squirrel that used to live in the tree at the bottom of our old garden. They just looked at each other for about 5 seconds, trying to figure out what it was in front of them, then it went bolting back up into the branches and wee yappy just looked confused and hurt. I think that's why she holds such a grudge against them now.
But in this weather she just kind of approaches the open back door, head down, sullen looks and pokes her nose out into the weather, then shuffles backwards back in the house and looks at me as if to say, "you're not going out in that are you? get the heating on and I'll have another bonio"

The Wii has sparked to life, new batteries in the controller and Wii fit pad all ready to tell me what the damage is. We're off to a bad start, it tells me with a scornful gripe that it is 385 days since I last visited and immediately reminds me of the rather ambitious target I sat myself about 15 days before that. Further more, to really rub salt in my fleshy wobbling wounds, it goes on to inform me that, in its opinion, my ideal weight is 11 stone 8 pounds and I should be 22 BMIs.
BMIs, that is some measurement a university came up with after a massive research grant from Kellogs or Ryvita. Like those studies that come out from time to time telling us a bottle of wine a night is good for us, immediately followed by the newsreader saying "according to The British Guild of Grape Growers".

So, I know I've probably put on a couple of pounds. But there is still no need to tell the Wii I'm wearing light clothes. It doesn't really matter anyway. 7 pounds , the movie was mediocre, but not as grim as the news that it is also the amount of weight I have gained in the last 385 days and also 1.5 BMIs, so I am Wiificcially more fat and overweight at 14 stones than I have ever been.
So I have to call off the search for Kirkys best bacon roll for a while , perhaps I can begin looking for Kirkys best bowl of muesli?. No , lets not bother, I'd rather eat the week old wood shavings in a rabbit hutch.

The mention of 7 Pounds has inspired me to nip on over to imdb and have a look at the latest movies that will be coming over here in the coming weeks. Listen to this, "Hot Tub Timemachine". Four guys, all of them bored with their adult lives, travel back to their respective 80s heyday thanks to a time bending hot tub. How the hell does this stuff get made? Remember Chevy Chase, ironically he was a big star in the 80s, well in this he plays a character called, The Repair Man. I've not seen that character since the day a badly dubbed porno VHS got jammed in my pals parents machine about 25 years ago.

Talking of VHS, has anyone tried explaining to an old person why the Sky+ box doesn't need tapes put in it, I have, over and over again. I eventually went for, "its got a great big tape inside that doesn't need changed" and that seemed to do it.

The other little nugget I found was "Goldblum embraces Balding". I thought, WOW, i just saw Clare Balding on the TV at Cheltenham Races, and I really didn't think Jeff Goldblum would be up her street, but no, of course, its the fine, famously moody movie star of The Fly and Jurassic Park who is encouraging his fellow actors to be bald and proud, despite having an accompanying publicity shot where he has a rich black head of hair, B*stard.

Just one more thing, to illustrate just how desperate and stir crazy I have become here in Ice Station Zebra, Ellen De Genres on American Idol, first up, WHY? secondly, is it just me, or are her ears bigger than they should be for her head, its like they belong to someone else, Hermann Munster maybe.

Hope I get out tomorrow.

Lang may yer lum reek.





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