Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Wikipeadia Roulette, like chat roulette with less cocks

Hello Lums, here I am, infrequently blogging.

I thought it was about time for a return of your favourite game, the one harder than kidnapping a chubber, yes, its Wkipeadia Roulette.  That's where I select random articles on Wikipeadia and count how many I go through before I hit something I have a vague, possibly imaginary, knowledge of.  I never said it was fun.

Ah, prostate massage,
I remember  why I married you now. 
Anyway, here we go.

  1. Erivelton  Gomes Viana, aka. Erivelton. He's a Brazilian footballer I've never heard of, doesn't mean to say he's good just because he is Brazilian, I still remember Raphael Scheidt, the unfortunately named Celtic defender, who really was. 
  2. Raymond Couraud, aka, Capn Jack William Raymond Lee, a French soldier and gangster who did some soldiering in the war and some gangstering after it, an interesting fellow no doubt, but alas, I was ignorant. 
  3. WJLD, is a radio station in Fairfield, Alabama. It plays something called "urban oldies" music which just doesn't sound right to me. I always thought the letters in US radio stations actually stood for something and in this case they do, W J L Doss was the original owner of the station, but I only learned that in the last 20 seconds, so onwards. 
  4. Las Tres Perfectas Casadas. (The Three Perfect Wives) is a Mexican comedy (though it sounds more like a tragi-fantasy to me) made in 1953 not starring the three amigos. 
  5. Millionaire. Unfortunately not the shortbread, but the Belgian rock band. Yep, Belgium has a rock band, I didn't know that. 
  6. Rhamphodopsis, take a breath, its a distinct genus of ptyctodant placoderm, a fish type thing.  Until I read that I would have put sheckles on Rhmaphodopsis being an Egyptian Pharoah. 
  7. Joe Walsh, and bingo, he was in The Eagles.  Seven , that's not bad for me, just goes to show smoking and celibacy is not as bad for your brain as I had convinced myself. 
Tune in next time for a not at all amusing story about kung fu movies. 

Lang may yer lum reek. 

Sunday, December 2, 2012

A panda, a pigeon and a P45

There he is, Hands up Muthafuckaa!!!
Hello Reeking Lums, remember me?

Its been so long, to be fair, I have been busy and a lot of shit has gone down since last you saw anything up my lum.

So what have I been doing?  Well, the Great Big International School Sports day pretty much took all my summer and looking for a job has taken all my attention, fortitude and patience.

Lets start with the LOLympics. It was great wasn't it, the weather was kind, the public loved it and walking to work in the morning through Stratford you got a real sense of being at the centre of the world.   I had imagined my job would be a bit like Jack Bauers,  abseiling down tower blocks, car chases,  sinister phone calls with evil henchmen masquerading as government officials and a body count of his drones and gimps that  would make Skillz Millz from Taken blush.  In the end, thankfully it has to be said, it was pretty uneventful .   I remember mentally noting a few "incidents" along the way because I thought it would provide some scale to the issues being dealt with behind the scenes.(some other things may or may not have happened, I may have been making tea and missed them)

We had the North Korean flag faux pas and the associated panicky round up of the face painters at Hampden stadium, though it remains unclear how many requests had been made for the North Korean flag to be painted on anybodies face.  There was a pigeon loose in Wembley arena, we had to take it seriously, it was acting suspiciously.  There was a plague ship, somebody pissing in the stands at beach volleyball, tacks on the road of the cycling races and signs turned the wrong way at the equestrian events which made me think Dick Dastardly was competing.  A favourite episode was the police sending us a picture of a protester with a pandas head on to aid identification, though they could just have said, look out for the fella with the big panda head, that would have given us enough to go on.

An old copper I was working with had some great tales of the old days on the force.  One night they lifted a couple for getting involved in a drunken domestic.  The boy was still scrapping when they got him in the van and they had to sit on him to keep him still, his girlfriend was in the back of the van as well and she caught one of the policeman glancing up her mini skirt, " that's right, I've no fucking knickers on" she says, quick as a flash the copper replies " thank fuck for that, I thought you'd sat on my kebab"

The LOLympic Family, as they like to be known, take a bit of getting used to, not the athletes who I'm sure are humble, genuine people, but the officials are a bit up themselves.  I remember hearing it said that a group of official judges had said they were quite happy to take a train back to Central London, but they didn't want to wait on one. That left me wondering how that could be managed, just have a train on constant stand by I guess, if they had said they wanted to drive it too they probably would have been allowed to.  Biggest disappointment I think was the non appearance of the army of cheap prostitutes that were meant to descend on the city, I didn't see any, though apparently one of the super yachts parked in Canary Wharf used to get some stunners delivered at night.   You can read a bit about my opinion on the whole sorry situation here.  http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=47954

The other big summer distraction was finding a job.  My expectations were reasonable, 15 minutes from Kirkintilloch,  BMW/Merc company car, corporate credit card, international business class travel to far flung interesting places, private health including dental, gym membership, private school for any future children, 10% employers pension contribution, loads of free stuff and a salary about 300% of the national average, that would do.   I spoke with RIM, the Blackberry people, you could smell the decay on them, if they are still in business in 2 years I'll be surprised, I spoke with a software company that provides processing tools for the hotel business, they didn't really know what they wanted, I spoke with Kelloggs, this was a Grrrreat number, but they didn't want me in the end and I even flew to Munich for an interview with a software firm needing a security meister.   In the end I accepted a job with Britain's favourite domestic and motor insurer, with none of the pre-requisites listed previously, though the pension is decent, hope I get to spend some of it. 

 I'm glad I started the job hunt early though, way back in March.  Its crazy to think you will get offered the first job you go for, or even think its wise to accept the first one, but it can be a demoralising experience when you get so far through the process, answering the same daft HR questions like, "Tell me about a time you had to give someone a difficult message" ( I, of course worked at Port Dundas Distillery (RIP) previously, and any message where you asked anyone to do anything was generally thought of as difficult and met with bear like scowls and ill conceived arguments for not doing it). Yazz would be more use as a lift attendant than some of they lazy fuckers.  Anyway, as I was saying, to get so far, over weeks or months then not get the job is heart breaking, the only solace being in Mums old adage, "Whits fur ye, will no go by ye"  which is a nod to fate, and not to question it to much.  

That cements me in London for a while longer I suppose. But whits fur ye will no go by ye

So, nice to be back, I can now call myself an infrequent blogger all over again. 

Lang May Yer Lum Reek