Monday, June 6, 2011

When vegetables attack

Lums about to Reek, I salute you,

So, as deadly E-Coli sweeps the continent like a modern day brown death, what was responsible? Was it Colonel Cucumber in the conservatory, or Baroness Beansprout up the backstairs? I don't know, but I do know one thing, never trust a tomato.

Born a fruit but somehow managing to convince the vegetable community to accept it into the salad bowl. Not to play second fiddle to the old vegetable elders, potatoes and cabbage you understand, but to be culinarily embraced, with its plump but firm body and glossy red skin. The magic X factor in everything from a Caprese salad, to a Margarita Pizza to a Bloody Mary and despite its fruity heritage, successfully integrating itself into the union of veg.

It wasn't always so easy for Tomato. There was the disputed parenthood, the arguments and denials and of course the fateful day in court. Yes, Tomato had his day in court.

1893 the year, Nix v Hedden the infamous adversaries. "Just because he has seeds, it doesn't make him a fruit" I can almost hear the plaintiff plead. There were star witnesses, pea, cucumber, squash and bell pepper on one side, throwing off their labels to seek botanical asylum in the vegetable patch. Potato, parsnip, cabbage, carrot and bean also taking the stand to claim that its not what we are, but how we are used that defines us, and sure enough, the judges gavel came down in agreement and from that day forth, Tomatoes belonged to the vegetable side of the supermarket aisle.

Yet somehow not quite getting into the whole vegetable thing completely. No muddy fields, or being buried neck deep in manure, no dull earthy colours and the need to be thoroughly cleaned and boiled before consumption, instead, warm greenhouses on fragrant vines and even the appearance in the occasional cocktail.

Does it have some sinister hidden agenda or did it only want to be a vegetable so it could be the most glamorous one. Lets be realistic for a moment, it was never going to achieve that in fruitville, not with mangos, pineapples and pommegranates parading about the place . By the way, you'll often find mushrooms hanging out with tomatoes, more proof of the tomatoes fickle ways, keeping an ugly pal to reinforce how utterly gorgeous it is, well, mushrooms are not a vegetable either, don't let anybody tell you any different.

I applied for tickets for the big global village school sports day next year, not for me of course, I'll be far too busy, but thought some family could benefit. So Reeking Lum went into the hat for Equestrian, diving, tennis, gymnastics, football and ceremony tickets. 14 in total with a value of about £700.

The tombola spun and out popped £46 from my sweating, anxious bank account to pay for tickets for something. It is obviously two £20 tickets which leaves only the opening or closing ceremonies, or football at Hampden Park to watch Cambodia U23s play Tajikistan U23s or similar in a preliminary round, I'll assume its the unattractive football tie. Despite the fact that if I had gotten all the tickets I had applied for my bank account would have been so fatally holed beneath the water line I would have disappeared up my own overdraft quicker than you can say Lehman, I cant help but be disappointed, nay, furious that I don't have at least one London event to go too. All that'll be left is Greco-Roman wrestling and pistol shooting or something.


Lang may yer lum reek.