FFS I'm 50
Growing up I remember seeing men that I thought must be about 50, they were old and tired looking. They had the look of miserable commuters, waiting in a long queue for a taxi at the end of a cold rainy day. They could have been waiting in that queue all their lives, inching forward, one half step at a time, gradually being worn down by the elements, I imagine at some point they would see the front of the queue ahead and realise it wasn't taxis pulling up for fares, but hearses and their sooty shrivelled irrelevant hearts would stir with happiness at the prospect of soon being at the end.
I don't feel like that at all. Being 50 is actually OK. I know I'm only 7.5 hours into middle age, nevertheless, its still a number denied to many and I'm determined to see the bright side. So here it is, my top ten best things about being 50 that I better capture in case I lose my faculties anytime soon.
- Perspective, all those years of living provides a back catalogue of experiences you can call on to place every drama and crisis in its proper place, the proper place being the drawer marked MEH!
- Confidence, coming from the fact that, hey, I've survived this long, I must be doing something right, I'll just keep doing it
- Wardrobes, by now, I know the clothes I like and feel most comfortable in, and as a bonus, at 50 I can afford them.
- Work, imposter syndrome has faded, and it becomes more apparent that the job I'm doing, I'm doing well, and it's easy because no problem is a new problem. When I worked in the whisky industry, every year among the new graduate intake, at least one bright new thing would come up with the idea of square whisky barrels, "just think how easy they would be to stack in a warehouse and how many more we would get in if they were like boxes", followed by, "I'm a genius, why has no-one ever thought of this before."
- Attractiveness, Billy Connolly once said that the best thing about getting older was how many more people in the world become good looking, and he's right.
- Friends, by this time, you know that friends are not fleeting, the ones you have now, you've probably had for a long time, they know you very well and are still your friend, some you won't see for a while but it doesn't matter because when you do its like you saw them yesterday.
- Alcohol, apart from the odd aberration, I know how to drink, I know what I can drink to avoid crippling hangovers, I know the signs that I might be teetering on the edge of true pishheadedness, sometimes I just crash through those signs right enough, but at least that's a semi-conscious decision.
- Regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention.
- Pride, I think this grows as the years go by, knowing that I've done OK with my 4 O'levels, knowing that in a professional sense at least, I started at the very bottom, being handed a broom and being asked to sweep but didn't stay there doing it for 30 years. That there would be limits to what I could do, but that wasn't it and I tried to find what they were. Pride also that I think I've kept some of my mothers' values intact, egalitarianism, generosity, kindness and a belief that I'm not better than anyone else, nor are they better than me.
- Family, my children are all grown up, some with kids of their own, none have committed major crimes, that I know of, and they all are genuinely nice, well balanced, responsible and likeable young people. They all probably feel exactly the same as I did at that age because the world keeps turning.
Bad things, I have to shave my ears from time to time, sometimes I get aches If I lie in bed too long and erections are just like a 50 year old car, it starts ok in the morning with a bit of choke, but your never entirely confident your going to reach your destination when you set off.
And finally, the wisdom I would most like to share,
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
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Lang may yer lum reek.
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