Come join me in wisdom corner,
These days its almost impossible to avoid celebrities, just so many of them are getting churned out in ropey reality shows.
Gone are the butter mountains and wine lakes of EU overproduction, now we have a celebrity glut, so numerous that to make room for all the new ones a few of the old heads need to get exposed in retrospective sex scandals or complex off-shore tax shaming just to free up the pantomime parts, like a Logans Run for the mildly famous.
When you see a vaguely familiar face in the street you are as likely to think " what were they in" rather than " did I go to school with them?" or " do they owe me money? Look at X-Factor, 15 years that's been going, it must be about 300 people getting to the final stages and achieving their green card to self-importance. That's just one example of the mill at work. It all adds up to thousands on top of the already celebs and the the ones that no-one really knows about, vloggers and Instagrammers who can claim a million followers and 100 million views of the froth on their coffee. A towns worth of them, the worst town in the world right enough.
So I feel its important to develop a strategy for dealing with the inevitable celebrity sighting, and I'm going to share my technique with you, this will make you happy, the kind of smug happy that these end of days times so rarely allows, fleeting admittedly, but its the small things that count.
The method I've mastered is Conspicuous Indifference. No high horse is too high or ivory tower too...er towery, not to be withered by indifference, but conspicuous indifference, well, that's some Jedi shit right there.
Those that have felt the icy blast of indifference and struggled on with an ever so slightly diminished sense of themselves read like the invite list to one of Frank Boughs BYOB parties. Brendan Cole, he got it in Regent Street, Robert Carlyle, Noel Fielding, despite wearing heels, Chantelle Houghton, The President of Ghana, Arsene Wenger in his duvet coat, Sir Ian McKellen, he certainly did not pass without me paying no attention to him, Barry Cryer, Peregrine Took, he wasn't with Gandalf at the time disappointingly, Ian Wright, on an Easy Jet Flight, Lil Wayne, Manu Dibango, this only half counts, as I didn't know who he was to begin with and had to Google him before I could not be interested, Barry Manilow, Nigel Havers, Dara O'Briain, Lily Allen and that wee skinny junkie that used to knock about with Kate Moss. This week Sandy Toksveg got a healthy dose of not bothered, completing a bake off double for me.
The secret is to make sure the celeb notices you noticing them, then, once you're confident that has happened, the next stage is important because that connection will most likely be fleeting, their instinctive belief is that you don't matter after all or at best, you are a potential pest. Your eyes have to be ready to portray a message that says " Yes, I know who you are Gandalf the Grey, but I couldn't give a monkeys toss". Next, simply don't give a monkeys toss, just go on doing whatever you were doing, all blase like, no second glances, no discrete or disguised selfies, I know the pitfalls, " Here's a picture of me in the Diesel shop in Buchananan Street for no apparent reason, hold on? Is that Barry Manilow behind me buying jeans?" Not even if they start flamboyantly begging for help and trying to grab your attention like Robert Carlyle, pretending he couldn't reach his bag in the overhead locker, should you acknowledge them. Now, saying that, if they collapse to the ground blue lipped, clutching their chest with a look of impending doom on their face, its ok to help, remember, they may be acting, but if not and you save a celebrities life, there is a fair chance you could end up a one yourself, if that happens, discard all of the above and get wired in.
This has been a public service announcement on behalf of the Reeking Lum
Lang May Yer Lum Reek
These days its almost impossible to avoid celebrities, just so many of them are getting churned out in ropey reality shows.
Gone are the butter mountains and wine lakes of EU overproduction, now we have a celebrity glut, so numerous that to make room for all the new ones a few of the old heads need to get exposed in retrospective sex scandals or complex off-shore tax shaming just to free up the pantomime parts, like a Logans Run for the mildly famous.
When you see a vaguely familiar face in the street you are as likely to think " what were they in" rather than " did I go to school with them?" or " do they owe me money? Look at X-Factor, 15 years that's been going, it must be about 300 people getting to the final stages and achieving their green card to self-importance. That's just one example of the mill at work. It all adds up to thousands on top of the already celebs and the the ones that no-one really knows about, vloggers and Instagrammers who can claim a million followers and 100 million views of the froth on their coffee. A towns worth of them, the worst town in the world right enough.
So I feel its important to develop a strategy for dealing with the inevitable celebrity sighting, and I'm going to share my technique with you, this will make you happy, the kind of smug happy that these end of days times so rarely allows, fleeting admittedly, but its the small things that count.
The method I've mastered is Conspicuous Indifference. No high horse is too high or ivory tower too...er towery, not to be withered by indifference, but conspicuous indifference, well, that's some Jedi shit right there.
Those that have felt the icy blast of indifference and struggled on with an ever so slightly diminished sense of themselves read like the invite list to one of Frank Boughs BYOB parties. Brendan Cole, he got it in Regent Street, Robert Carlyle, Noel Fielding, despite wearing heels, Chantelle Houghton, The President of Ghana, Arsene Wenger in his duvet coat, Sir Ian McKellen, he certainly did not pass without me paying no attention to him, Barry Cryer, Peregrine Took, he wasn't with Gandalf at the time disappointingly, Ian Wright, on an Easy Jet Flight, Lil Wayne, Manu Dibango, this only half counts, as I didn't know who he was to begin with and had to Google him before I could not be interested, Barry Manilow, Nigel Havers, Dara O'Briain, Lily Allen and that wee skinny junkie that used to knock about with Kate Moss. This week Sandy Toksveg got a healthy dose of not bothered, completing a bake off double for me.
The secret is to make sure the celeb notices you noticing them, then, once you're confident that has happened, the next stage is important because that connection will most likely be fleeting, their instinctive belief is that you don't matter after all or at best, you are a potential pest. Your eyes have to be ready to portray a message that says " Yes, I know who you are Gandalf the Grey, but I couldn't give a monkeys toss". Next, simply don't give a monkeys toss, just go on doing whatever you were doing, all blase like, no second glances, no discrete or disguised selfies, I know the pitfalls, " Here's a picture of me in the Diesel shop in Buchananan Street for no apparent reason, hold on? Is that Barry Manilow behind me buying jeans?" Not even if they start flamboyantly begging for help and trying to grab your attention like Robert Carlyle, pretending he couldn't reach his bag in the overhead locker, should you acknowledge them. Now, saying that, if they collapse to the ground blue lipped, clutching their chest with a look of impending doom on their face, its ok to help, remember, they may be acting, but if not and you save a celebrities life, there is a fair chance you could end up a one yourself, if that happens, discard all of the above and get wired in.
This has been a public service announcement on behalf of the Reeking Lum
Lang May Yer Lum Reek
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