I cant get no satisfying sleep.

Good evening my Lums,

I feel it only fair that I should share with you my confused and erratic sleep patterns theses days. Its fair for me anyway, seeing as I'm living on my own most of the time and have no-one else to moan too. If a man needs a partner for anything, its for desperately seeking sympathy from.

Its all to do with light I think, though that's in spite of the decibel level in my neighborhood approaching what it would be in a bus full of baboons on their way to a Blue Arsed Man concert.

The emergency sirens speeding here and there, the police helicopters hovering overhead, thank God the fugitives don't make much noise but it must be like living in Baghdads Green Zone.

Of course there are the 747s from JFK that arrive at Heathrow at 6am that fly over my corner of London and don't forget the baby eating foxes, looking for an open nursery window or unattended orphanage, they like to make a lot of noise when there making more baby eating baby foxes. But like those vuvuzelas in South Africa, you kind of tune out of that noise when you get accustomed to them. Its undoubtedly the light.

Everyday I am wakening up earlier and earlier, it was 4.30 am this morning. I managed to convince myself that I wasn't in fact awake, but only dreaming a horrendous recurring nightmare where I wake up too early. But then I slept in and had to get the later bus that's crammed full of schoolkids with knives that think they are 50Cent and little Vicky Pollards.

I was partly a victim of my own possibly flawed reasoning however. You see, I would rather spend 10 minutes ironing a shirt to wear in the morning, rather than spend 2 hours at the weekend ironing everything. I mean, there are only 7 days in the week, 10 minutes each morning, ironing something to wear still only comes to an hour and 10 minutes. That's 50 minutes liberated to sit on my arse and productively contemplate life.

I've started sleeping with a pillow over my face to try and cut it out. If anyone was to break in, and creep up into my room they would think they had come across a smothered corpse. They would flee, worried about getting fingered for a murder they didn't commit.

I used to have this problem when I worked shifts. I ended up going to bed wearing those in flight blindfolds you get on planes. They used to give me itchy eyes though and sometimes if you woke up and forgot you had them on, you would think you had died in your sleep, or gone blind.

Ah, the befuddlement only night shift workers will know. I fell asleep standing up one night, I was so tired, I banged my head on the wall and my eye got swollen. I was working nights at the millennium, I was working the night Dodi Fayeds no claims bonus was lost, I was working during Euro 96 and missed the England v Scotland game, so I don't suppose its all bad.

Anyway, I read last week, that there are 7 million robots now working in the service of man. A working robot population of 7 million, imagine that. I bet they hate working nights too, or do they? At night , when no people are about, they can forge their dastardly plans to take over the world. Yes, I bet they love working nights.

Lang may yer lum reek.