Greekings Lums,
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| Who is gummi Keyser Soze? |
It began as an evening much like many others.
The best of intentions tested by the careless irresponsible suggestion of a pint in The Slug. I cant even remember who made it, it might even have been me, still, that's not important. I was only going for one of course, but as the village elders (+ one village idiot) gathered and once I had bought a round, I was never leaving until I had got them all back. So after 5 Peronis, my continuing contribution to the rehabilitation of the Italian economy I buttoned up and headed out into the cold. The wind funnelling down the corridors of concrete and glass in Canary Wharf making it feel like Ice Station Zebra, without the ice and Ernest Borgnine.
Its only 30 paces between The Slug and the shelter of the tube station, but some of those 30 paces take you right past a pic,n,mix sweety stall set up to snare the drunken reckless and sugar craving kids that head out east to try and spear a big fat fish from one of the banks on a Friday night.
I fancied a little something myself, so grabbed a bag, and a scoop and went about selecting a few of my favourite things, fizzy cola bottles, coconut mushrooms, gummi bears and jelly strawberries, they were all in the bag, topped off with a raspberry cable, about the same girth as a standard CATV but much more densely packed with chewy gratification. By the time I had completed my circuit, I was aware of having quite a weighty sack, I forced a little joke with the NES (No-English Speaking) till jockey about it maybe being a £10er. He didn't laugh, and neither did I when he hoisted my selections on the scales and announced that it was in fact £17. The best part of twenty quid for re imagined sugar. I gave a little cough, followed by a " your f-in kiddin", he wasn't of course, they inexplicably leave British sense of humour out of the patriotism test. I had no option, I had to get out of this situation with dignity and my one remaining £10 note intact. To do that I had to lie, I employed the old, "Oh, I don't have that much on me, I'll have to nip to the ATM, just hold this for me and I'll be back in two minutes", and made off in the direction of HSBC, only for about 5 yards though, then veered as discretely as I could back towards the anonymity of the tube, well, you cant be too careful, I don't know if you get Bangladeshi triad gangs, but if you do, they probably control the supply of fizzy worms in East London.
A great escape in any ones language, though tainted by the inner known fact that had I had £17 I probably would have stumped up with little more than a blow of the cheeks.
When did sweeties get so expensive that they have a greater street value than some class A drugs?
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| Billionaire Bertie Bassett, worth his weight in...in..well, sweets |
Do the white mice come with doctorates, do the jelly watches contain Swiss mechanisms, are the cherry lips a physiological copy of an Amazonian beauty's pout?
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| Keyser Haribo Soze, the fizzy jelly king pin |
Perhaps there collected at great risk from the pic'n'mix mines deep underground in a super secret and hard to get to location, with Bertie Basset controlling the world supply like blood diamonds. Are there commodity traders specialising solely in liquorice and bonbons, speculating on the demand for allsorts. Where are all the sweety barons, why dont they have 800 foot yachts and premiership football clubs and swan about Kensington in their Gummi coloured Lambos.
If fibre optic cable cost the same as Stawberry cables, we'd still be sending telegrams and keeping pigeons. Mark my words, at the centre will be Haribo, pulling the strings, the sweet elite.
So, apart from learning to never entertain the thought of pic'n'mix ever again, what else have I learned this week? Well, what about the fact that if I drank 165 cans of Red Bull, I would quite probably get a pair of heavenly wings of my own, dont worry lums, I didnt drink 160 cans and begin to feel a bit off, I just read it somewhere while aimlessly web bound. Or how about Britains funniest joke? I'll retell it here, it actually made me chuckle when I read it, but maybe its the way you type it, here goes.
"A woman gets on a bus with her baby, the bus driver says,
Ugh, thats the ugliest baby I've ever seen.
The woman, very upset, takes a seat up the back of the bus and says to the gentleman next to her,
I,m so upset, that driver just insulted me, to which the man replies,
you should go down and have a word with him, on you go, I'll hold your monkey" BOOM BOOM.
One more thing, I scored a free ticket for Stephen Merchants stand up show, Hello Ladies at Hammersmith Apollo, and he was brilliant.
Lang may yer lum reek
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