Bacon rolls and betting shops

Reeking Lums,

It seems an odd strategy to ensure the survival of your species, to make yourself as tasty as possible. But that seems to be the path pig has taken. It has avoided the more traditional methods of say, camouflage and dexterity, these attributes dont seem to do much for Mrs Pig, and have concentrated on becoming as fat and tasty as possible. Is this tastiness an attribute that has evolved. Would the Neolithic caveman, if he sat down with me this morning in Floras Cafe have recognised the seductive scent of a roll and bacon. There are no cave paintings of bacon sizzling in the pan, or peeking out, teasingly from between two slices of bread in the Cueva de las Monedas, which inevitably makes me think no. The tastiness is because of intensive farming and selective breeding over the past 150 years, but hey, whos complaining?

Well, me actually, and its because of Floras Cafe. I ventured down the town today to rake about in that husk of a hardware store, and once more opted for my trusty and nearly new bike, and I was off bright and early becuase I promised myself a bacon roll and a cup of tea in the little cafe i passed yesterday.

In I goes, places my order with the delightfully vacant lady behind the counter and set my mind about choosing a paper to peruse. The Daily Record, nope, journalism is questionable, The Sun, nope, what journalism, The Daily Star, are they still printing that? so I settled for The Mirror, at least it will give me a good account of the Chelsea game last night. "They are all yesterdays papers" another member of staff grunted at me, great I thought, to lazy to go around the corner, no more than 25 paces and buy some papers for their customers. "Would you like the radio on? " she asked me, " I dunno, is it todays? I kind of sniped back, she just looked at me.

So I just gazed empty headed out the window till my breakfast came. One thing of note, a young woman tottered up the street dressed like a Russian gangsters moll, mini skirt, fur coat, uncomfortable shoes, bottle blonde, yesterdays make-up, you dont get that oftten in Kirkie at 10am on a Wednesday.

Now Flora, dont tempt me in with the promise of a bacon roll and serve me up something substandard. I have a haunting suspicion that mine came on one of yesterdays rolls, inexcusable!!! and also, is it beyond the wit of man to design a teapot that doesnt slitter 50% of the contents all over the area surrounding your cup, but not actually in your cup. I wont be back.

If I had had todays paper to read I might well have read the headline " MAN ASSAULTS POLICEWOMAN WITH PENIS" Now, i thought, if there is a policewoman with a penis, she probably gets a tough enough time from her colleagues without her getting assaulted aswell, but no, I read on, some guy in Aberdeen, and I read this on the BBC news website, so its totally true, hit a policewoman on the head with his penis!!!! Now, i dont know about you, but I would have paid to see that. Was he flailing it about like some nudey William Wallace, or was it more of a darting, jabbing type action, I,can't imagine. There was no mention of any injuries , I can only assume he never had her eye out or anything.

I'm 41 and still scared of betting shops. I had a couple of tips for Cheltenham today and would never forgive myself if they came up and I had ignored them, but I am clueless in a bookies. I try and look hard and seasoned like everybody else but end up kind of hiding in the corner and waiting until the counter is quiet before going up. Dreading the girl saying I haven't filled my line in correctly or something. I put an each way bet on two horses, Weapons Amnesty and Bishopfurze, after my pal, Johnny Bino tipped them, I really wanted to double them up as well, but didn't know how, so just left with my pride intact.

Lang may yer lum reek