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| That's the Devils PIN number, they would know that wouldn't they |
I've just watch the Remembrance Day memorial service from The Cenotaph, old soldiers always make me tearful and at 11 o'clock with Big Ben ringing out I wonder of the thoughts and memories that are flitting through their minds. The Korea veterans marched past with a Dimbleby reference to The Battle of Imjin River and I thought of Uncle Mickey who passed away this year and who took part in it, swimming for his life across it with a million Chinese Red Army soldiers chasing at his back. They all, weather they are a name on a plaque or marching in thousands of services up and down the country, are totally deserving of our admiration and pride, and we should all remember how lucky we are to have them. Because sometimes, in some countries, the Military go bad.
I'm talking of Military Juntas. These were en vogue through various times in the last hundred or so years and had quite a revival in the 70's and early 80's. A quick look through the record books though and I've noticed that only two countries in the world have functioning military juntas, Egypt and Fiji, bad news for the worlds braiding and dress uniform manufacturers.
A Military Junta is a government led by a committee of military leaders normally as a response to the threat of the populace doing something with their free will that they don't agree with, like electing a socialist party to power.
Then they give themselves names like "The National Peace Keeping Council" (Thailand) or "The Military Council of National Salvation" (Portugal) or the honestly named "Regime of the Colonels" (Greece) and perhaps the least honest "The National Reorganisation Process" (Argentina). Especially when that reorganisation process was the systematic seizure, torture and murder of tens of thousands of people under an annihilation decree. Its hardly getting your CDs in order is it.
These grand disingenuous names are so it looks like they are doing you a favour, "Honest, we don't want to be in charge, its just that somebody has to do it properly". By that they mean whatever the CIA want of course.
Anyway, military Juntas seem to be a thing of the past, with not even Bolivia having one at the moment, and they've had nine. Saying that though, Military Junta has a facebook page which is refreshing and shows that The Junta is in tune with the modern youth, maybe they plan a re-branded comeback.
Looking at our leaders all looking solemn in Whitehall today, well Miliband looked as solemn as a Wallace and Gromit character can look, I wondered what our alternatives were, is there another way, like the pseudo stay at home demonstrators at St Pauls think.
Well, there are a few systems out there. What about a Matriarchy? This is a society ruled exclusively by women! On the plus side, they might be able to do more than one thing at a time but that's far outweighed by the effect on policies, with their total lack of a sense of direction and parking skills. Then the metronomic swing of their moods, foreign ambassadors would be in a state of confusion, not knowing if they were in the good books or bad. It would take the country ages to get ready to go out, we would always understate our Gross Domestic Product by a few pounds, and anytime another country said something nice about us, we would immediately think they wanted sex.
There is always a Kritarchy, a government of judges. Knowing Britain like I think I do, we wouldn't end up with Judge Pickles or Judge Judy, we would elect Trinny and Susanna. Imagine that, a leadership made up of Michael Winner, Louis Walsh and Claudia bloody Winkleman. The special relationship with the USA would be over, after we critiqued there ugly shoes and the habit of wearing t-shirts under there formal shirts. The cabinet meetings would consist of those tired and cliched Strictly Judges holding up out of ten scores for every suggestion. It would be horrible, nothing would ever be good enough, because if it was, they would suddenly feel out of a job with nothing left to contribute.
This is more familiar, a Kleptocracy, a government of thieves. Actually, when I see the league table of successful kleptocrats, I don't think any of our leaders come close, they may have been as unrewarding, but I don't think any of them gorged themselves as much as the following top ten;
- President Suharto of Indonesia, $15-$35bn
- President Marcos of Philippines, $5-$10bn
- President Mobutu of The Congo, $5bn
- Nigerian Head of State, Sani Abacha, $2-$5bn
- President Milosevic of Yugoslavia and Serbia, $1bn
- President Duvalier of Haiti, $300-$800m
- President Fujimoro of Chile, $600m
- Prime Minister Lazarenko of Ukraine, $114-$200m
- President Aleman of Nicaragua, $100m, and finally, at
- President Estrada of Philippines, $78-$80m, Hold on, The Philippines have been caught out twice with someone with their hand in the till. Inexcusable, or maybe they just thought $80 million dollars just wasn't worth making a fuss about or embarrassing the President for.
So, that doesn't sound like a good way to run a country, why not try Gerontocracy, a government of old people. It would give them something to do and somewhere nice and warm to go in the winter months but imagine the rules they would bring in. The speed limit would be reduced to 20s plenty, and The Ministry of Sound would have its licence revoked unless it turned into the Ministry of Tea Dances, waist height restrictions would be removed from trousers and Werthers Originals would be accepted as currency in some situations.
A Technocracy, a government run by technical experts, a geekocracy if you like. Which in this day and age is scarily close to a Corporatocracy which is a government run by, you got it corporations, The USA for example, but increasingly the rest of us too with the rise of Google, Apple, Facebook and those other dubiously and curiously benign and friendly providers of our social oxygen.
The one I got most excited about, a Ochlocracy, which I thought is obviously a government of stern Scottish Presbyterians that respond to every issue and set back with a resigned Och aye or Och naw!! That would be perfect, finally a system that will provide fiscal prudence and a rich and hearty attacky diet for everyone, but it wasn't that at all. Its the rule by mob, never a good thing because a mob is so easily influenced by persuasive idiots, so lets forget that.
It looks like we'll just need to stick with a democracy then, on the face of it, its not so bad, we might get unpopular leaders but we generally don't get any that will murder us, torture us and rob us blind. Plus, our military are unlikely ever to go rogue on us, aren't they?.
Lang may yer lum reek.
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