Hello again Reekers,
I shook a very sweaty hand today, never a pleasant experience but its taken me all day to think of a suitable metaphor that ably summed up how it felt. I perhaps should qualify why it was sweaty in the first place, I like to think it was because of my intimidating managerial presence in this gentleman's Central London office, maybe my incisive inquisition and quite probably my unbending though totally reasonable demands all played a part in this perspiring palm that was offered to me as I was ushered out the building. As I said, the hot and clammy encounter had me desperately seeking for the words to describe it, like a drowning man might reach for a trawler mans outstretched arm, though perhaps not, if it felt like grasping a fistful of freshly cooked and drained spaghetti, which is the best I could come up with.
The One Show had our Primus Minesterious, David Cameron on tonight, and credit where credit is due, what a thoroughly pleasant souffle of a man he is. The coiffure, the boyish grin between those cherubic chubby cheeks, you don't even notice the strings making him work, amazing. Old mad dog Qaddafi I expect is hardly sleeping at night knowing he's got Cameron on his case.
Speaking of which, the old desert pox is digging his heels in and firmly standing up to public and international opinion, not like his blousey neighbours who were ordering the Chinook evacuation within hours, or at least a couple of days. He is a whacked out old loony, but would you bet against him hanging on in some way?
Anyhoo, the topic I really wanted to send up the lum tonight was rivalries. What got me a pondering this competitive conundrum was the sparky Celtic V Rangers cup game last week. Despite the obvious heat that comes from it, and they say you cant have heat without light, there is precious little illumination coming from this melee. I'm totally bored with the playground tribalism and faux religious posturing, its all bollocks basically. The irony being both clubs would only be half of what they are without each other, like some spiteful old married couple that despite the cruelty cant imagine being apart.
No, the rivalries I like are the ones the we can only speculate about, created in our heads like some mental, brilliant deck of top trumps. So, I can only imagine the excitement in the scientific community this week when one of those age old impossible rivalries finally declared a winner.
The venue Ankara Zoo, Turkey. The competitors, Lion Vs Tiger. The Big Cats, separated for for eons by the Indian Ocean, now brought together on the edge of Asia with only a flimsy chain link fence between them. Lion, I expect confident, what with their complex social structures and being top of the food chain in the wild game hypermarket that is the Serengeti Plains, and don't forget, the balls being reigning King of The Jungle must give you, even if you are a lionness. Tiger, with a point to prove, who made the lion king anyway, it doesn't even live in a jungle. In the end, it wasn't much of a contest, apparently Tiger tore out the Lions jugular vein with one right hook from a fist of claws, and that was that, settled.
That's what we want to see, real rivalries settled the way they should be, competing species could save millions of years of time evolving, just get together and have a dust up.
Wolf vs Hyena, would it be howls all round or a right good laugh?
How would an elephant get on against the more hirsute mammoth which may have the size advantage but its not very bright as is amply illustrated by its hapless extinction.
Finding a suitable venue for the battle of the animal intellectuals would be a challenge, chimpanzees not being the best of swimmers and dolphins being unhappy in trees, but still, these things need to be known.
How would a firm sturdy cabbage get on against the leafy dexterity of a lettuce. Orange vs banana, apple vs pear, the referee would probably stop that early because of excessive bruising, but until then, it would be like the Klitschko brothers scrapping.
Would fusillis spirals confuse the fancy dan farfalle enough for a technical knock out, who knows? perhaps we never will.
Qaddafi vs Rebels, too close too call that one but maybe the one we do really need to see is Jesus vs Allah, I have a feeling that bout would be like a scene from Me, Myself and Irene given that there probably the same fella. Speaking of JC, there was a Nigerian street preacher at the train station the other day. Sharply suited, mike and amp blasting out his calls to repent. All I heard though was " JEEEEZZZUSSS,.......JEEEEEEEEZZZZZUSSSSSSS........JEEEEZZZZZUSSSS CHRIST........JEEEEZUSSSS CHRIST ALMIGHTY.....at the top of his voice for the 60 seconds it took me to get out of earshot, I didn't know if he was attracting disciples or had just stood on an upturned plug in his bare feet.
Finally, I watched a programme last night looking at something called re-wilding. This is where they reintroduce natural predators to an environment to control pests that have gotten out of control. So, wolves into Yellowstone to keep the bison numbers sensible, pumas into Florida to eat wild pigs, bears into the Italian Alps, well, I don't know what for and then we got to Montana. Now Montana apparently has a real problem with wild horses, they have so many in fact they probably could drag Susan Boyle away and the landscape cant sustain them, and then they starve, which isn't nice, but its still natural. Anyway, because Montana's horses have never had a natural predator so, the presenter explained how she had reached back in time to get inspiration. I thought oh no, they've done it, they have recreated a T-Rex and they're going to set them loose in the American wilderness, this wont end well.
I was a little premature however, and it wasn't a T-Rex, though I think the solution proposed is just a little less animal crackers, apparently they want to bring in some African lions. Helicopter them in, like Richard Burton's Wild Geese mercenaries, let them loose to sort the native horses out, then, well actually, there was no then. That's because the lions will all apply for Green Cards and get legitimate work in Hollywood films, Vegas magic acts or merge into the casual Mexican labour pool, working in safari parks and underground zoos. Have they thought this through?
Lang may yer lum reek.
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