When 12km isn't

Hello reekers,

The week started with some belly splitting mirth, I laughed so hard and for so long that once the hyperventilation kicked in, I had to breath into a brown paper bag for an hour and a half. This was comedy writing at its greatest, with the ability to dilate pupils, palpitate hearts, get your endorphins in a fizz, induce wonderment at the creativity, make you doubt everything you thought you knew about anything with its sheer imagination and boldness. What could have reduced me to this comedy wreck?

I stole ten minutes at work to book some flights home in February. Ryanair, the rapid livestock movers of choice were offering tax free flights to go with their frill and service free flights and I was directed mistakenly to the page that describes the destination I had chosen, Glasgow Prestwick. Where I read this little piece of fantastic fiction

" Ryanair’s low cost flights to Glasgow Airport land 12km from central Glasgow in the wild and lovely west of Scotland".

It encourages you further by promising you a 20 minute bus ride into Central Glasgow.

Hold on, I've only been away nine months, I'm pretty sure the tectonic plates don't move that quickly, if its only 12km, why does it take me 45 minutes on the train, its not Stevensons Rocket, its not got a man with a flag walking in front of it to warn the horses. Plus, I don't know what kind of bus is on that route, maybe they are rocket powered hover buses, driven by Nikki Lauda on a custom built designated arrow straight road, I'm pretty sure that's not the case though.

After I'd recovered from the seismic shock that I,ve maybe been measuring everything wrong, which could have depressing consequences for me, I decided to investigate a little.

Glasgow Prestwick airport is next door to Troon, the same Troon as the famous golf course, on the south west coast of Scotland in Ayrshire. A very pretty part of the country, none of the drama of the highlands but a romantic rolling landscape that gave birth to Robert Burns and Robert the Bruce, Alexander Fleming, John Dunlop and James McCosh. Reeking Lums may not be familiar with the last of those men, but he was a noted philosopher of the Scottish School of Common Sense. They say common sense is the least common of all, so this seems like a worthy pursuit, it must have been because his common sense led him to becoming the president of Princeton University.

The thing about Troon is, its 31 miles from central Glasgow, that's 59km, not 12. To make the bus trip in 20 minutes, the bus would need to travel at an average speed of 1.83 miles per minute, that's about 110 miles an hour, optimistic. Where did the 12kms come from then, bear in mind Ayrshire is also where the famous Electric Hill is, now that's the contourious oddity where the road looks like its going downhill, but your actually going up, and if you stop your car and take your foot off the brake, you'll roll gently uphill, which is very strange but perhaps there's also a road where 47kms can disappear, mmm? doubtful!.

I can only think that is the distance between central Glasgow and the very northern tip of Ayrshire, which is a teeny bit of a liberty, still, £36 return, cant argue there, that's my kind of common sense Mr McCosh.

Lang may yer lum reek.