Sweet Fanny Adams

Reek - a - boo

This week started at rock bottom, then we got the shovels out.

I have had marked in my diary for weeks a very special event.

On Monday, the Scottish Football Association was opening up the supporters club on line to new members, this doesn't happen often, and with the guarantee of tickets for the Euro qualifiers and a new manager at the helm there was bound to be a virtual crushing mob, pressing up against the banks of servers that would obviously have been acquired in anticipation of the tremendous demand.

The SFA though, decided to stick with the trusty Amstrad CPC that they had bought off the proceeds off Mexico 86 and total head banging meltdown ensued. The pixels on my computer screen, responsible for rendering the refresh button will pixelhate me for the amount of work I gave them. But all I ever got in return for that furious button pushing was a server unavailable message, and, 6 hours later, an apologetic note from the SFA saying sorry and explaining that after they've been down to PC World to see what offers are on, they will try again.

That was rock bottom, the shovel came out when I inadvertently tuned into the Paxman interview later that same evening. He was having a go at the Liberal Democrat fella, Nick Clegg I believe he is unfortunately called. In the interests of electoral fairness, the other candidates should be named after irritating insect pests too.

Paxman enjoys being a shit too much I think but I think he asked a great question when he said "Where in Britain needs more immigrants". It was only great for the answer it provoked mind you. Inverness apparently, which is just about as far away a major population centre from Nick Cleggs house, and every other house in England come to think of it, as your likely to get. I don't know who the Lib Dem candidate is for Inverness, but I don't expect, I'm afraid to say, he has done them any favours there.

But I actually ended up quite liking Mr Clegg, I'm not against immigration, and either is he, Paxman tried to corner him on Britains growing population but when the numbers in the world are going up, why should we in Britain not expect ours to go up too and share the burden. Much respect too for him explaining to the millionaire Paxman, that if your earning £8000 a year, £300 in saved tax, is a big deal. Yes, well done young Clegg.

Can't say the same for the Tory lot however. They have had loads of time to think of it, lots of ammunition stored up after all Browns blunders and that flimsy manifesto is the best they can come up with? Hand power back to the people? Local communities getting together to decide on local issues? I think we've been here before the last time that lot were in. I think John Major introduced the Quango culture and this would be the same. A load of old retired busy bodies and civil servants controlling the agenda because they are the only ones with the time and the twisted motivation to get involved. No thanks Cameron with your divide and conquer and devolution of accountability wily ways.

My final week in the comforting bosom of the land that begat me. Its D-Day soon and I'll be off to London. I say soon because that is as accurate as I can be. I know when I am expected to turn up for my new job, but that's about it. My plans are still in the oven getting half baked, in fact, if we were to compare them to the plans for D-Day, the greatest military accomplishment of modern times, they would be equal to the bit where somebody said, "I know, Lets send some soldiers with guns to France".

I did take a little time to scout for some prospective rental properties, a little time because that's all it took me to discover that even the pokiest, grimmest cell, the Fritzls would turn there nose up at, is out of my Rymans Unibond Reserves league. Incredibly one of the first places I clicked on, was in Alloa Street. Whats the chances of that? The irony is, I could rent an entire street in Alloa for what they were asking for one flat. Then there was a place that looked quite nice but was in Mudchute which sounds like its been plucked from Rogers Profanisaurus. I'll keep looking but increasingly likely that I'll have to find someone to share with, another minefield but bound to provide plenty of reeking opportunities.

Especially as I have just received my new contract and there is a big bold section highlighting, in terms that could not be stronger, that blogging about , well, you know, that big International Sports Day we're having in a couple of years, is most definitely not allowed which is a bit of a shame, but understandable I suppose, given what I do. I'll have to make a job up because saying, "I'm really not allowed to talk about it" just makes you sound like an enormous pretentious knob, I shall give it further thought.

The Scrabble board came out last night, I hate that game, but I think I would hate it more with those stupid rules they are proposing bringing in. Somebody should tell them Junior Scrabble already exists and those that aren't happy should go and play with that. Anyhoo, like I said, I hate playing Scrabble, but actually of course, I just hate losing, which I did. I had trippy rejected and epony, which I tried to convince was the name for horses on one of those virtual racetracks but with no luck. I did get away with medusa though, i thought the proper noun rule would apply, and so did my opponents but it turns out, its a kind of jellyfish, get it up ye's.

I had to go to Glasgow today and it was a perfect opportunity to road test the new phone. I'm still loving it, though the battery life is pretty rubbish. I reckon if I turn off all the fancy functionality, don't look at it and hope nobody phones me it should last the day.

And finally finished off today working on the lawn with that old Simple Minds track spinning at 45 in my head, Scarify Yourself.

Lang may yer lum reek.