Reeking Lums, save yourselves,
The end of the world
is nigh,
They've been
predicting that for quite a while of course, the Mayans were so sure they
developed a countdown calendar and a tourist attraction, but all through the ages,
people have proclaimed the ending is pending.
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| Remarkably inaccurate and shit prophecies |
Even Old Mother Shipton, one of
the stars of the Yorkshire tourist board , who like to tell you her hermit cave
is worth a visit, had a go. She apparently said "The world to an end shall come,
In eighteen hundred and eighty one". It makes me a bit suspicious that she had to make it rhyme, nevertheless, she had a go but was ultimately a
better mad old woman than she was a predictor of Armageddon's.
Then consider,
Camille Flammarion. He predicted that the appearance of Halleys
comet "would impregnate the atmosphere and possibly snuff out all
life on the planet", but not the planet itself. He came up with the
effective medication of "Comet pills"
to protect against toxic gases, like deja bird-flu, all over again.
And isn't it strange how end of the world prophecies tend to ignore real threats to the planet, like the Cuban missile crisis and the defrosting ice caps, its always angry Jesus coming back to kick our ungrateful asses.
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| You don't need to be Nostra-F-Ing-Damus to see this coming. |
You would think with all that's going on in humanity the enders would be blasting out their grim predictions with confetti guns, the likelihood of one of them actually getting it right for once must be higher than usual.
So how can I be so
sure that things are close to the end when so many before me have been so
obviously wrong and deluded? Well, I'm so convinced that we are getting near
the end of the road because we have, in case you haven't noticed, just
about reached the zenith of swearyness.
C*nt, a word so
heinous and evil that I've even had to disguise it just then to prevent me
vomiting all over my keyboard, has become utilitarian, just a common expletive to
add urgency, stress a point, get a little attention or make sure people know
your seriously hard, or just serious...and hard.
We are using them as if they were an inexhaustible resource like trees and Elephants . Once the ultimate swear word
has become accepted as a viable option to describe someone who is a right
prick, " What a C*nt" or or a state of extreme tiredness or drunkenness " tell you
what, that c*nts had 6 Malibu and pineapples and he looks c*nted to me" or a task so difficult its almost impossible
to comprehend " listen to this, after lunch they want us to solve the faster than light neutrino anomaly,
that's going to be c*unting tricky".
So what happens when
the ultimate shock value 4 letter curse become so ubiquitous and commonplace it
loses its C-Bomb status? Well, Its
fucking obvious to me, civilisation as we know it ends and we all get to start again
in the pre-swear stone age, like those c*nts the Taliban.
When I was a lad,
you might hear "Bloody" on the TV, that was heavy duty swearing, but as Fuck became more common, probably
around the time Thatcher was at full enveloping darkness, Bloody became an almost polite sweary
alternative to an explosive snarling fuck, I see the same thing happening now,
folk slip a "fuckin" in, not
even when they are angry or upset, just as a little value add to whatever they
are describing at the time. How long
before all the shocking fucks in the world run out and all we are left with is conversational fucks, we become so desensitised that for
impact we have to turn to c*nt, c*unting, c*unted...., c*unty doesnt really
work, and then my friends, we are circling the sweary drain.
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| We could be one rant away from the apocolypse |
So how close are we
to armac*nton? Well, Donald Trump wisely
opted for " pussy" when describing how he likes to grab his women, he
could just as easily said " c*unt", that would have been a serious
escalation of the jeopardy we face, still, thankfully, he's c*nting unelectable, so that would only leave us with a sitting
President, the Pope or The
Queen of England to utter it then we are all fucked. Prince Philip doesn't count, thank heavens.
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| Oi, CUNT! |
So how do we save
ourselves, how do we push back the event horizon of our own demise. Rocket ships to Mars wont help, after the year long journey the first
person off the spaceship will exclaim " if they think I'm colonising a planet with they
useless c*nts in there, they can go get fucked" then they're right back where they started, er,
before they've even begun.
Its easier coming up
with new anti-biotics than it is swear words, so we cant rely on that. What we
could try and do is recycle some old ones that have gone out of fashion
though. Try these for size, Zooterkins, Gadzooks, Potsblitz. I know, its hard to be satisfied with
those, but in a sentence they might do the trick, " Gadzooks, I've not
shared that viral post on Facebook, now every Zooterkin will think I have
nothing against cancer...Potsblitz!"
Fuck! we're all c*nting going to die.
This has been Reeking Lum reporting from the End of the World.
